I'll never be what you want
by LibraryMage
Summary: Kanan doesn't make it back inside. A Holocrons of Fate AU.


warning for: multiple major character deaths; mildly-detailed descriptions of dead bodies; kidnapping; child abuse

* * *

Ezra blinked as his vision began to clear. He shook his head and rubbed at his eyes, trying to speed along the process of adjusting from the blinding light of the holocrons to the dim command center. As his vision slowly returned to normal, he looked up to see Maul standing beside him, a hand extended to help him up.

Ezra pointedly ignored Maul's offer and got to his feet on his own. He pressed his hands over his face for a moment as he continued to piece together what he'd seen in the holocrons. The vision had been so vivid and powerful that it was almost overwhelming. A harsh, barren desert, the blazing heat of two suns in the sky, a man Ezra recognized from Kanan's holocron. A Jedi Master. Obi-Wan Kenobi; the key to defeating the Sith.

Ezra felt a hand on his shoulder and jumped, gasping as he pulled away from Maul.

"Don't," he said, rubbing his shoulder in an attempt to erase the feeling of Maul touching him. "We're done here. You got what you wanted, now let me and my friends go."

For a moment, Maul said nothing, but Ezra could feel a strange, twisted sense of satisfaction growing in the former Sith's mind with each passing second. A knot formed in the pit of Ezra's stomach. Something was wrong. Something was very, very wrong.

"What did you do?" he asked, taking a step backwards as he stared up at Maul, a chill of horror spreading up his spine.

"Your friends are no longer a factor," Maul said.

"What did you do?!" Ezra shouted.

Knowing Maul wasn't going to answer him, Ezra turned away, intending to run to the _Ghost_. Before he could make it more than a few steps, Maul caught his wrist in one hand, his fingers digging in hard enough to bruise Ezra's skin. His heart now pounding like it was trying to break out of his chest, Ezra wrenched himself out of Maul's grip and ran.

The pounding of his feet against the metal floor rang in his ears as he kept running, desperately trying to ignore that painful sense of certainty that was spreading through his mind and taking hold. It wasn't true. It wasn't. Maul was trying to trick him. He had to be. It couldn't be true.

Through his haze of panic, Ezra saw that the _Ghost's_ loading ramp was lowered. The rest of the crew was there, and they were fine. They were _fine_. They had to be. Ezra charged forward and ran up the ramp, preparing to tell Hera that they had to leave _now_.

The words died in this throat as he skidded to a halt just inside the cargo bay.

The first one he saw was Hera. She had slumped forward, a charred blaster wound in the back of her head, right between her lekku. Zeb and Sabine lay on either side of her, identical marks on the backs of their heads. Chopper was riddled with blaster marks, shot multiple times to make sure he could never be repaired.

_No._

Ezra's vision swam, going red as something hard struck his knees.

_No._

His fingers were tangling in his hair, pulling at it as his eyes stung and burned.

_This isn't happening. They can't be -_

His throat was raw, like something was scraping at it.

_They are._

He didn't even realize he was screaming until he stopped, his shoulders slumping as he hugged his arms around himself.

_No._

Tears were clinging to his skin.

_They're gone._

At some point, he'd fallen to his knees.

_No!_

He couldn't bring himself to look at anything but the floor right in front of him.

_He did this._

A hand rested on Ezra's shoulder and pure, burning rage surged through him. He stood, shoving Maul's hand away as he turned to face the man who'd killed his family.

"Get away from me," he growled, taking a step backwards, farther into the cargo bay, closer to…the thought of it made his hands shake with fury.

"Ezra -"

"Why?" Ezra shouted, his voice breaking. "Why did you -"

His voice broke off with a heavy sob. He hugged his arms around himself, his gaze dropping back to the floor. They were _gone_. They were _gone_ and it was _his fault_. Maul had been after him and they'd been dragged into it and they'd _died for it_.

"They were holding you back," Maul said. His voice sounded like it was coming from miles away. "The Jedi most of all. You know it as well as I do."

The Jedi.

Kanan.

He hadn't seen Kanan's body.

"Where is he?" Ezra asked, tearing his gaze away from the floor to look up at Maul. "What did you do to Kanan?"

"He is dead," Maul said, the sheer satisfaction in his voice making Ezra want to wrap his hands around the former Sith's throat and choke the life from him. Even without seeing the body, Ezra knew it was true. Kanan's presence was gone from his mind, vanished like a flame snuffed out when he'd been too distracted to notice.

"Ezra," Maul said. Ezra flinched at the sound of his name being spoken in that voice that had haunted his dreams since Malachor. "You need to face the truth. This is your opportunity to embrace your destiny as my apprentice."

"Never," Ezra growled. "How could you even _think_ I'd join you after you killed my master?!"

"You are growing stronger in the dark side every day," Maul said, "and your _former_ master could never have helped you achieve your potential."

"And you can?" Ezra bit the question out like a curse.

"Yes," Maul said. Ezra couldn't help but shudder at what sounded almost like _sympathy_ in his voice. "Our fates have been joined since Malachor. We can walk this path together, as master and apprentice."

"No," Ezra said, his voice shaking with anger. "I will _never_ be your apprentice."

"Ezra."

At the harsh snap in Maul's voice, Ezra's hand twitched toward his lightsaber. Before he could draw it, it was pulled from his belt, falling into Maul's outstretched hand. Ezra's heart skipped a beat and he took another step back, shrinking away from the cold look in Maul's eyes.

"I wanted you to choose this willingly," Maul said. "But if I need to force you to accept your destiny, then I will."

Ezra's eyes went wide for a moment before he turned away and ran. He had just made it to the ladder out of the cargo bay and was beginning to climb it when a painful grip in the Force latched onto him and pulled him back. Ezra gasped as he was dropped to the floor at Maul's feet.

"I will never join you," Ezra said. "I'd rather die."

"I'm not going to let that happen," Maul said. He reached out a hand and the binders around Sabine's wrists opened and flew to his hand. Ezra's throat drew tight as he was wrenched off the ground, gasping for air. Maul grabbed his arms and pulled them forward, locking the binders around his wrists.

Ezra stumbled as Maul released his grip on his throat and let him drop back to the ground. Before he could try to run again, Maul grabbed his arm and began to drag him down the ramp out of the cargo bay. Ezra fought to break free, but Maul's grip on his arm was like durasteel.

Ezra kept struggling as Maul dragged him across the hangar, but it was useless. As Maul pulled him through a dark, twisting corridor, Ezra lunged forward, trying to bite his hand. Maul slammed him back against the wall, startling a yelp of pain out of him before he palmed open a door.

"One day you'll see reason," Maul said. "And you _will_ become my apprentice."

"No," Ezra said, fighting against Maul's hold on him as he was dragged away from the wall.

Without another word, Maul shoved him through the door. Ezra gasped as he fell to the floor in a heap, his forehead striking the durasteel. Before he could get up, the door closed behind him, plunging him into darkness.

Ezra pulled himself off the ground and lunged at the door, slamming his hands against it even as the binders dug painfully into his wrists with each movement.

"I will _never_ be your apprentice!" he shouted. "Never! I don't care what you do to me!"

Fury rose in his chest, filling him up and pouring out of him as he let out a wordless scream and pounded his fists against the door again.

"I'm going to kill you!" he screamed. "I hate you!"

His words dissolved into a quiet sob as he sank back to the floor. He was alone here, completely at Maul's mercy. Kanan was _gone_. They were all _gone_. And he was trapped, right where Maul wanted him.

"I hate you," Ezra muttered, his fingers tangling in his hair and digging into his scalp. "I hate you. I'll never join you."


End file.
